revised essay 1

Tomorrow I have to submit my essays as final draft. Even though I turned in them to the tutor, I couldn’t get good scores because they just points out what I have to revise. I have no idea… so please help me to revise two essays.

Thesis- contract words+topic+comment

Topic sentences- topic + comment

PIE paragraph (point+informations, explains/analyses)

Quote sandwich (LEAD-IN + QUOTE + CITATION + PERIOD + 1-3 sentences analyzing the quote’s importance)

I attached information about each essay below.

My weakness: word choice, thesis, topic sentences, conc

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